


Without You

by CatholicChika



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Love Confessions, Side pair Kaochisa for plot purposes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-07
Packaged: 2021-01-24 20:15:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21344077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatholicChika/pseuds/CatholicChika
Summary: Kaoru is supposed to love Chisato. Right?
Relationships: Okusawa Misaki/Seta Kaoru
Kudos: 43





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is something I wrote as a vent of some sort, but at the same time i’m quite proud of how it turned out. if you decide to read the whole thing, thank you so much! :)) I truly appreciate the support. 
> 
> ⚠️ TW: hanahaki disease ⚠️  
please read with caution and take care of yourself.

_ “Chisato, I can’t do this.”  _

Kaoru says exhaustedly, before gently shoving Chisato off of her. The blonde looks confusedly at her, not used to being rejected by Kaoru in such a way. 

“_Why not_?” Chisato asks, almost angrily, but tries to hold back. “I just can’t.” Kaoru says with a sigh, as she sits at the edge of Chisato’s bed. 

“It’s because of fucking Okusawa-san _again_, isn’t it?” Chisato bites back, the anger in her face now more visible than ever. “You’ve always been so damn obsessed with her.” 

Kaoru says nothing in response, she figures she shouldn’t even bother. There is never a way around Chisato, so instead of arguing with her, Kaoru just leaves her there. 

Kaoru leaves her like she should have years ago. 

Once Kaoru’s left Chisato’s place, she painfully contemplates on the terrible decisions she’s made, the terrible situations she’s let herself be in, and the terrible way she let go of love. 

_Misaki._

Her dearest Misaki. 

_10 years ago_

_“Hey Kaoru-san, what’s wrong?”_ Misaki asks, her face full of concern. She asks, because she notices that Kaoru seems upset. Kaoru wonders how Misaki is able to notice this, even when no one else does. 

Kaoru flashes her usual smile at Misaki, the one that reassures Misaki, but not quite. “I’m alright, Misaki. I’m honoured that a pretty kitten such as yourself is concerned for my well-being.” 

“Ha, ha.” Misaki chuckles sarcastically, but Kaoru knows she cares. She cares for her back, just as much, if not even more, _but she doesn’t say anything_. After all, she loves Chisato. Right? 

<> 

“Mii-kun hasn’t been coming to any of our recent practices.” Hagumi expresses her worry to Kaoru, the information given to her about Misaki begins to worry her endlessly as well. 

“Is that so, Hagumi? I truly hope our dear Misaki is alright. We should go check on her.” 

Kaoru suggests, and she tries her best to keep her composure as she says this, but deep down, her chest feels like it’s aching. 

She doesn’t understand why. 

The rest of her band agree with her, Kokoro and Kanon being as worried as Hagumi is. 

They are worried, but Kaoru can barely function at all.

Truth be told, Misaki hasn’t even been at her school for almost two weeks now. Kaoru’s wanted to visit her so badly, to ask her if she’s alright, to ask if she wants Kaoru to stay with her. _Kaoru wants to stay with her. _

But she can’t. 

She loves Chisato. Right? 

<>

“Kao-chan, what’s wrong?” Chisato pouts, then runs her fingers through Kaoru’s hair. Kaoru has been spacing out left and right and Chisato definitely notices. 

Kaoru stares down at the ground for a moment, before flashing her signature smile at Chisato. “It’s nothing, my pretty kitten. Now come over here.” 

Chisato giggles a bit, before placing her lips on Kaoru’s. Kaoru doesn’t shut her eyes. 

She can’t, in fact, Kaoru can barely even sleep.

_Kaoru lied_, there definitely was something wrong. 

<>

The next day, Kaoru knocks at Misaki’s door, clearly very anxious and eager to see her. She truly hopes that Misaki is alright, that Misaki is there. 

After a few minutes, someone answers the door. It’s Misaki. 

Kaoru herself doesn’t notice but her own eyes light up at the sight of Misaki. It’s been far too long since she’s last seen her. 

“Kaoru-san?” Misaki looks up at her, clearly confused. “What are you doing h-“ 

“_Misaki!_” Kaoru exclaims unexpectedly, then wraps her arms around her. Misaki is startled by the sudden affectionate gesture, but instead of being upset, she just laughs and hugs Kaoru back. “I’ve missed you too, Kaoru-san.” 

Once the two of them finally enter Misaki’s house, Kaoru asks her what she’s been dying to for weeks now. 

“Where have you been, Misaki? We’ve all been so worried about you.” 

_ I’ve been so worried about you, Misaki.  _

“You changed your cellphone number and everything, and you haven’t been attending school or any of our band practices at all. Kokoro, Hagumi, Kanon, and I even visited the hospital to see if you were there.” 

_ I visited the hospital every night to see if you were there.  _

Misaki’s eyes widen a bit at what Kaoru says, and she chuckles nervously. “Ah, yeah... about that. I’m really sorry I worried you all so much. I promise i’m fine, it’s just that i’ve been too busy to go anywhere, is all.” 

Kaoru is filled with so much relief that Misaki seems alright, and they spend the rest of their time together that day catching up on what they’ve been missing from each other. 

<>

_ “Kaoru-san, are you alright?!”  _

Misaki exclaims very worriedly, as a rain-drenched Kaoru shakes in her arms. 

Misaki quickly shuts the door to her house so that the rain doesn’t pour in, before gently guiding Kaoru to her couch. She grabs a fresh change of clothes from her closet, hoping that some of her larger clothing would fit Kaoru. 

She rushes back to Kaoru, and immediately notices that Kaoru is still shaking madly. “Hey, Kaoru...” Misaki whispers very gently, as she caresses Kaoru’s face with her hand. “It’s alright... i’m here now.” She reassures her. 

All Kaoru’s body lets her do is look up at Misaki, her own eyes bloodshot with tears. 

She feels utterly pathetic, but in this very moment, she somehow also cannot care less. 

Misaki’s beautiful eyes distract her from her fears and sadness, even if just for a brief moment, it is enough for Kaoru. 

“_Do you trust me_, Kaoru?” Misaki asks, and Kaoru doesn’t answer. She simply rests her face against Misaki’s chest, and Misaki is alright with it. She slowly helps Kaoru change into her clothes, then continues to hold her through the whole night. 

_ I do trust you, Misaki.  _

_ I trust you more than anyone.  _

_ I am in love with you, Misaki.  _

**I have always loved you.**

Misaki smiles as she notices Kaoru slowly calming down, but she doesn’t want to leave Kaoru’s side. _She never wants to. _

“Please don’t go, Misaki...” Kaoru says, in a voice that is barely even a whisper, but Misaki hears, because Misaki always listens. “Don’t leave me...” 

“I won’t, Kaoru..” Misaki responds, after a brief pause. “I won’t _ever_ leave you again.” 

Hearing these words of reassurance, Kaoru eventually falls asleep in Misaki’s arms, and even if Kaoru’s eyes were full of tears from her fight with Chisato, she has never felt so calm and so loved in her entire life. 

“_I love you_, Kaoru.” 

Misaki says, and she keeps her promise.

She doesn’t leave Kaoru there, even with the blood streaming down her mouth, and the tears in her own eyes. 

<>

The next morning, Kaoru expects to wake up in Misaki’s gentle arms and embrace, but instead, she awakens to various sirens coming from outside Misaki’s house. She awakens to find Misaki is not even there. 

So she panics, just like she did the night before. She shakes uncontrollably, and when she sees Misaki’s lifeless body being carried into an ambulance, she loses all sense of herself. 

_ “I love you, Kaoru.” _

To tell the truth, Kaoru did hear what Misaki said to her. 

She did not say anything back. 

She was supposed to love Chisato. _Right? _

_No_, this isn’t right. This can’t be real. 

_This can’t be real_, so even when Chisato tries to approach Kaoru, she pushes passed her with no hesitation, and runs to Misaki. And even while her bandmates try to stop her, Kaoru holds Misaki in her arms for the final time. 

Kaoru screams, as she’s pulled away from Misaki for good. Her bandmates wrap their arms around her, but all she can feel now is emptiness. 

_ “I love you, _ Misaki.”

Many, many years later, Kaoru still wonders what would’ve happened if she’d said the words she had been longing to say. If she had just stayed by Misaki like she did for her. 

_ “I love you, _ Kaoru.” 

_ She is supposed to love Misaki, right? _

Right. 


End file.
